Oh, hi there.

Ahem.

I’ve missed being here. Things were a bit crazy while I was sick during the first trimester, but then I started feeling better and…well, I have to admit I’ve lost my vegan blogging mojo.

I guess a big reason is because I’m not sure I’ll be vegan after this pregnancy (I’m already eating fish and eggs and cheese during pregnancy.)

I’m still devoted to taking care of my family’s health as much as I can. But I’m not sure that total vegan is the right way to do this. And it’s not because it’s hard to do in a non-vegan world, and it’s not because I need more time-saving tips for vegan cooking.

It’s because I’m just not sure anymore that it’s the healthiest choice for us.

A few things have sparked my thinking over the last few months:

1. Pregnancy cravings. The most strange thing that I craved in the first trimester was eggs. I just have never cared for eggs all that much. But I felt so sick, and eggs made me feel better and I think there is something to that. Yes, I think we can “beat” cravings or whatever but I don’t think pregnancy is the time to try to do that. I think pregnancy is a time to listen to your body. (Even when that means packing on the pounds and how awful and uncomfortable that can feel in this thin-standard-beauty-world.)

2. My picky toddler. I have blogged at length about how picky Z is, and before he even started solid foods about our many struggles with his lack of weight gain. Bottom line: the kid loves cheese. LOVES it. He was eating it and asking for more at preschool, and given the amount of fat that toddlers need, and his general refusal to eat a lot of other calorie-dense foods…there is just no way this mama was going to deny him cheese. (I do try to limit it to a few sticks per day, and balance that out with a green smoothie every morning to prevent -ahem- blockage.)

3. This post by one of my favorite vegan bloggers.

4. And this post by another one of my favorite vegan bloggers. Both posts are about health crises that lead the author to question whether a vegan diet is appropriate (and we have had none in our family), but they each come to different conclusions about what to do about it. I think diet is such a personal choice and sooooo many factors come into play when making the best choice for yourself. And yet when I read Sayward’s post, while I admire her convictions so very much, I found that I didn’t share them to that extent.

5. A general feeling of malaise about following any philosophy 100%. I’m becoming more and more “take what I can and leave the rest” about rigid philosophies, in any area of life. Veganism has given me an entirely new outlook on food, and my family’s health, and a glimpse behind the curtain (or out of the matrix) of the American food industry. That perspective is invaluable to me. But I think I can experience a lot of the benefits by taking what works for us (smoothies, juice, seeds, lots of salads) and leaving the rest (having an occasional fish meal or eggs in baking).

By the way I think I am getting cranky in pregnancy, because I’m also feeling this way about attachment parenting and waldorf education. Lovely ideas! But not for me 100%. I’ll take what I love and leave the rest.

Well, maybe cranky is not the right word. It feels more like honing my ability to look inside rather than outside for guidance.

The blog will still be Love & Greens, because really truly that is what it’s all about. But I think if I continue to write my subject matter will probably be all over the place. (But first! A few guest posts to catch up on from the lovely Emma, I know I left you guys hanging with the sauce recipes…)

How have you been?

PS We found out a few weeks ago that baby #2 is a boy! Coming in August

Oh you guys, I don’t know where to start with this post. I’ve written it a million times in my head, usually right before I fall asleep at night. It’s going to be a declaration of everything I have learned and am learning and changes that have been happening over the past few months and and and…

But that seems like an awful lot of pressure– and now that I’m sitting here, I see that nothing can really be summarized, or tied up in a big bow, because I’m still in the thick of it.

The funny thing is, I just looked at my stats and I think a lot of people found me in January. I guess it makes sense that that’s when folks are looking for vegan websites! But it’s a strange experience to watch my stats double and triple while I’m not writing anything at all.

So what’s going on?

I am going to be a mama again, in August.

I say that as if it’s the most normal thing in the world–our boy turned two back in November, so it’s time for him to have a little brother or sister, right? That’s pretty average timing.

But the truth is I am terrified. Of how our lives will change, just when we have reached this great state of equilibrium with our first baby! Of how much work it will be. Of how long it will be before I have stretches of time to myself again.

I saw a woman this morning at the coffee shop, she was wearing a newborn in an ergo and she had that look–that haunted, hollowed-out look. And I don’t really want to go back there. So I find myself re-evaluating everything from our parenting style to the way we eat.

Especially since I have been pretty much constantly nauseated or throwing up for the past six weeks or so. TV has become a reliable parenting partner. Home-cooked whole food just isn’t happening. (I hope I’m rounding a corner now, but I don’t want to jinx it.)

For weeks I couldn’t even stand in the kitchen or walk through a grocery store without retching at the smells. Water made me throw up. Smothies made me gag. All I wanted was bread and eggs and apple slices. Or pizza. With cheese.

And since I’m the only cook in the family, we’ve been doing takeout and co-op food. And it is what it is.

While I know this feeling is temporary and I know it’s for a good reason, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself asking questions–

What is really important to us as a family?

Why am I vegan?

How can I take care of myself so I can be there for my kids?

What does comfort feel like to me?

What does health feel like to me?

I have zero answers. I’m not even sure if those are the right questions. All I know is I’m trying to start work again, feed my family, nourish myself and a baby growing inside me, and still find the time and enthusiasm to teach my two-year-old to roll downhill.

I’ll try to write more about it as I go along.

Oh! And while I’m here I have a few links and updates for you:

I just discovered Lovesmiths, and I think I’m going to be taking cooking lessons along with her 13-year-old boy! There are some great recipes and explanations there.

Emma is still my girl and this post about our kiddos made me cry. Well, everything makes me cry these days, but still. (Psst–two is a good age, mamas. Hang in there.)

Have you ever heard of seed cycling? I am mad fascinated by this idea. (Originally found through Bonzai Aphrodite’s amazing healing story.) I can’t find anything about how it applies in pregnancy but I am going to give it a go afterwards, and if you’re not pregnant I would love to hear about it if you try it!

Also, if you have emailed me in the past few months, I am very sorry if I didn’t get back to you.

A weekly(ish) list of things I love and what’s going on with me.

Whew! Where to begin? I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted an update. So I have lots to share…

Last week I had my first night away from Z, ever. My adventures included a mad dash through the Atlanta airport, a late-night Target run courtesy of Delta airlines, and a funeral for a dear family member…

But as crazy and emotional as my trip was, that wasn’t the part I was worried about. I was worried about how Z would do while I was gone, and I’m happy to report he did fine. More than fine. Between lots of dada-time, preschool, and some help from a friend he was happy and surrounded by people he loves the entire time I was gone. What relief!

And what a big step for me as a mama. I’m not going to rush off and plan more emergency trips away from Z but it’s nice to know it’s possible. I did it. We did it. The village stepped up and made it happen.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart) from the ever-brilliant Ask Moxie is the best thing I have read in response to the Newtown school shooting.

(Not surprising, since Free but not cheap is perhaps the best thing I have read about motherhood, ever–and that perspective seriously helps me at least once every. single. day.)

Sometimes technology is the greatest thing. Specifically, Twitter. I know, people (myself included sometimes) like to hate on Twitter –it’s gotten so commercial, people just post stupid stuff about what they ate for lunch, blah blah blah…

And that’s all true…yet to focus on the noise is to miss the point entirely. There’s a lot of noise wherever you go in this life. But on Twitter, if you’re open to it, you can make these wonderfully random, surprisingly deep connections. And that’s how I met the amazing Sas Petherick. Because she tweeted about running pants, I think? We just started talking, and I devoured her site, and that was that. Bingo! Kindered spirit from all the way over in England!

So I was thrilled when she asked me to submit a piece to her new project: The Body Stories, a beautiful collection of stories from the Women of the Internet. It’s a beautiful book full of wisdom, insight, and humor. Go download it here.

It’s probably not a surprise to anyone reading this, but I don’t really seek out mainstream media. I don’t watch network tv, I don’t read magazines, and I tend to read crunchy-type blogs and get my news from other online media outlets.

We can talk about my lack of exposure to divergent viewpoints at another time, but the bubble I live in does help to keep my rage and comparison-inspired self-loathing to a minimum. Still, I enjoyed this Open Letter to the Woman Who Wrote ‘11 Qualities of the Perfect Woman’

And then there’s this–Why We Ditched Attachment Parenting. Oh man, I barely know what to say about this except YES YES OMG YES ARE YOU IN MY HEAD??? Because that post almost exactly describes my internal and external struggles during Z’s first 18 months.

I have said before that I need to write a post about my recovery from attachment parenting, and I will. But for now I will say–I think attachment parenting is a wonderful philosophy to know about. It was so helpful for me during the first year to have found a philosophy that supported my instincts as a mother (holding my baby all the time, responding to his cries, breastfeeding on demand, and even co-sleeping were all wonderful the first year.)

These were all things I felt naturally drawn to do with my infant, and I’m glad I didn’t let other more standard parenting advice deter me from doing so. Attachment parenting resources helped me immeasurably in that sense. And if I were to have another baby there are very few things I would do differently during the first year (the ones I would revolve around sleep.)

But where the philosophy became destructive for me personally was the lack of exit strategy…

I do not think attachment parenting principles grow gracefully beyond the first year, at least they didn’t for me and my baby in all of our uniqueness. And when I started to have to make decisions (again, based on my instincts) that went against the attachment dogma, the voices of the more devout practitioners echoing in my head were hard to shake. In that sense, I found attachment parenting to be very destructive to our family during the second year.

I don’t know. Clearly I have a lot to say about this. But that’s a starting point. I still heartily recommend Attachment Parenting resources to new parents, I just do so with a lot of caveats.

Bottom line in parenting, as in life: No single philosophy is going to be all right for you, all the time. Stop looking for it and go create your own. (Personally I’m dedicating myself wholly to the Valazza Method of Parenting. Have you heard of it? Worldwide number of practitioners: 2. We are a very exclusive group.)

This week at preschool we had a modified Advent Spiral. The toddlers each lit their candle held in an apple and placed it along the pine bough circle. The spiral symbolizes the continual nature of change, and the solstice ritual marks the ending of the darkness and the beginning of the light of spring.

Lots of love and light and Happy Holidays to you all!!!

Last spring I was sitting in the park with my 16-ish-month old, enjoying a playdate with another mama and babe.

It had been at least twenty minutes since we had offered our babies anything to eat, so of course we whipped out some snacks.

Now if you don’t have a toddler (well if you don’t have a toddler this may not be a very interesting story, but as long as you’re still reading…) you might not know this, but: your snacks Say A Lot About You.

Oh, they shouldn’t, I know.  But we’re all looking. What did she bring? Who has the pre-packaged added-sugar stuff? Who has the all-natural co-op stuff? And who has the homemade-from-scratch stuff?

We’re not judging, you understand–well, at least not each other. We are judging ourselves. We’re seeing how our choices, our efforts, our abilities, stack up against our peers.

Anyway, there we were on the blanket. And my mama-friend whips out homemade sweet potato chips.

Boom. Just like that. Homemade sweet potato chips, on a random weekday afternoon (in a mason jar, no less!).

Immediately it started in my head–I should make my own vegetable chips! Why don’t I make my own vegetable chips? What is wrong with me? I am clearly a failure mother.

Don’t worry, this story has a happy ending.

I don’t really think I am an awful mother because I occasionally buy Terra chips. That would be ridiculous (there is a lot of ridiculous in this brain of mine but I have to clamp it down somewhere.)

My point is, someone somewhere is always going to be doing more than us in any given area–more made-from-scratch, more crunchy, more environmentally-conscious, more compassionate, more songs. Whatever.

I think I shared a while ago that I started making my own laundry detergent. I thought it would be good to save money and know what was going onto our clothes and our bodies. I bought all the stuff and I poured and mixed. It was great, I felt good and it worked fine.

Until one sunday night when we had to have clean laundry the next morning and we were out of laundry soap. And it was way past sacred-mama-bedtime and I’m in the basement mixing up vinegar and what-have-you and thinking I wish I just had a freaking box of laundry soap.

Lesson learned: homemade laundry soap is not worth it to me. (Dishwasher soap on the other hand? Super-easy and totally worth it.)

Sure you can make your own christmas presents, your own laundry soap, carve wooden toys for your children, and can your own tomato sauce from tomatoes grown in your own garden. But do you really want to?

I guess all I’m saying is I’m as crunchy as the next crunchy vegan mama (well, the next crunchy vegan mama who still loves leather boots)…and yet I have to draw the line somewhere.

As it turns out my line is at veggie chips and laundry soap–those go solidly into the “buy at the store” category for me.

All our lines are different. I say: do what feels right to you, what you care about, or what is fun for you. Other times, it’s just not worth it.

So tell me, where’s your line?

Welcome to the third installment of a series on easy sauces by my friend Emma of  Your Fonder Heart. Emma is a doula who knows just about everything there is to know about birth, babies, and feeding the whole family a yummy whole foods diet. She’s going to share her five main sauces with us here, so that we can fancy-up our meals without spending a ton of time in the kitchen!

And in case you missed it:
Emma’s Sauces #1: Balsamic Reduction
Emma’s Sauces: Fruit Compote

…..

Please excuse the blurry pic (complete with toddler foot)–I didn’t think I was going to blog about this, but then I decided I couldn’t keep it to myself…

Here’s my new favorite toddler-friendly snack: Roasted Chickpeas.

As a mama of a picky eater who is always looking to get some protein into him, I get downright giddy when I watch him gobble these down. (Ahhh…it’s the little things.)

Anyway, these seriously could not be any easier. In fact I feel a little silly writing up a “recipe” for them but here goes…

Roasted Chickpeas

• Chickpeas
• A high-heat oil, like Canola or Safflower
• Salt and spices to taste

Preheat oven to 400 F.

Grab a can or box (or cook your own from dried) of chickpeas. Rinse and drain, then place them in a bowl. Add some oil, salt, cayenne, cumin, and garlic (either garlic powder or chopped fresh) and toss to coat.

I’m not giving specific quantities because it truly doesn’t matter, just do it to your taste. And you can substitute or eliminate the spices to your taste, too. Really the only necessities are the chickpeas, oil and salt.

Lay out on a baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for about 25 minutes, or until crispy on the outside and tender inside.

~ Enjoy!

A weekly list of things I love and what’s going on with me.

Last week was all about celebrations–Z’s second birthday, my husband’s birthday, and of course Thanksgiving. It was wonderful and all I have to say now is phew!

I can’t believe my little guy is two. A couple of days ago I gave him his first haircut–not even a haircut really, just some snips of a few of his more unruly locks. Now without his mad-scientist-curls he looks more…earth-bound. As if he no longer inhabits as much of the ether around his head.

It was time, and it feels right but oh…there’s just a little bit of sadness too.

I’m having all sorts of thoughts lately about what I want to do with 2013. You’ll forgive me for being a little early on this one, but 2011 and 2012 have been full of some not-great stuff for our family, and we’re ready to get out of survival-mode. That means creating the life we want to be living, not just getting by every day.

Tangentially related to this: I want to take and print and enjoy more photos! And my friend Tara has me even more inspired with this post on “Project Life.” I’m not sure that I need an official system but I may have to borrow heavily from these ideas.

Also, if you are remotely crafty and in business for yourself, you must know Tara. Read her book, take her classes, join her Starship. Your business will thank you! And then you can thank me. (You’re welcome!)

I adore this post by my friend Darrah–Everything I learned in my first year of motherhood (Hint: not much). You said it, sister!

Maybe it’s just me but I am seriously over the idea that anyone knows anything about parenting. All of us, and I mean all of us, even if you’ve written a parenting book about the Perfect Parenting Style (maybe especially then!) are making this shit up as we go along.

I loooove to hear insights and war stories from fellow mamas, but I am pretty much over the idea that anyone is an expert on this topic.

(It’s possible I’m just doing a little ranting here, since I am about six months in to my “recovery” from attachment parenting dogma. But that’s a topic for another post…)

I have always loved Kylie’s blog, but she is especially speaking to me lately. This is not an inspiring story is real and beautiful and shows directly into her heart…and I can so totally relate.

And then, almost as an antidote, she offers How to sit with your emotions. A truly helpful meditation on…well, how to sit with your emotions. Something so important that so many of us struggle with. If you have a quiet moment, watch her video.

And if you live in the Northwest, or any other early-darkness part of the world right now, you’re going to want to read Darkness: How to survive the winter in Seattle. Since it’s Emma, I pretty much just take notes and do whatever she says. Girl knows her shit.

All right, I think I have cursed and ranted enough!

How was your thanksgiving? What are you celebrating these days? If you’re in the northern hemisphere, how do you plan to make it through the winter?

Recently I made a blurb book out of my instagram feed of Z’s first year (turned out beautifully, btw).

Since I had my phone with me at all times back then, those little square photos are so intimate, they perfectly capture so much of that time–the feeding, the cuddles, the unbelievable littleness and newness of it all.

They also make me a bit sick to my stomach. Which got me thinking about  postpartum despression…

(Giant caveat: Of course I’m not a doctor, I’m not a healthcare professional of any kind…so basically, I know nothing. And I absolutely understand that postpartum depression is a real chemical thing that happens to many women, this is not about that and I am not passing judgment on anyone’s situation. However…)

How much of what we call postpartum depression is just being in a shitty situation with no help?

I hear over and over women describing how they are alone all day with their infant (or an infant and another child! the mind reels!**)…up multiple times at night nursing, or alone on the weekends with very little help…

And for some reason (!) this gets them down. And they’re wondering if maybe they have postpartum depression because they just seem to really hate life lately.

^{**and you mamas of multiples? I don’t EVEN. Wow.}

Yeah.

When I was feeding my baby through a tube multiple times a night for months and months…

When my husband was helping as much as he possibly could while still keeping his job…

I wasn’t depressed–that shit was depressing.

I didn’t need a therapist, I needed help. Big-time help.

Not support–not “I hear you, sister” from a fellow mama-of-a-newborn in the trenches. Not “I love you baby, you’re doing great” from a partner heading off to work.

Support is critical, too, of course. But I am talking about honest-to-goodness, “here let me hold that baby while you nap”– H-E-L-P.

And I had no idea how to get it.

We didn’t have family in town, and most of the friends I had were other mamas who were going through the same thing, and we couldn’t help each other because we were all barely breathing on our own.

The quick answer is I could have hired a postpartum doula, or a nanny, or even a teenager mother’s helper…or I could have just asked a friend to come over once a week.

But it was more than the logistics that stopped me from getting help.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that it was okay for me to need so much help. I guess I thought that me and my husband were supposed to be able to handle it on our own. I didn’t want to ask anyone for anything.

I thought that since we decided to have this baby, we should be able to take care of it on our own. I especially thought I needed to have it all together immediately after the baby was born or I would be some kind of wreck of a mother. That other mamas would judge me.

But I am here to tell all you new mamas that the exact opposite is true. When I see mothers with babies under one, I want to cheer for them–you made it out of the house! you’re both dressed! congratulations! put your feet up! do you need a nap????

(I don’t usually, because I don’t want to sound patronizing. But I do it in my head.)

It gets better. Everything is different now. I have a group of mamas who I could call in a second for help. Now that our babies are toddlers, we have an extra hand to help if needed. Of course, now we need it less and less.

Mamas, that first year is going to drag you through the mud and back.

Get help when you need it. Better yet, line up some help ahead of time. More than you think you’ll need. Really. It’s okay.

Every night, as I lay down with Z before he falls asleep, I have two prayers.

The first is please let this go quickly.

Our bedtime routine is getting better but it’s still a long one. Between jammies and brusha-brusha and stories and nursing and songs and feet-rubbing and shh-shhh-shhh-ing…it’s well over an hour.

And when it’s 7pm and you’ve been awake and on since 5am, that’s one loooong hour. You can’t blame a mama for wanting it to go by fast, so she can put her feet up and watch an episode of Parenthood before bed.

And yet my second prayer is please let this last forever.

I feel like I am living in the past. I already know I will look back at photos of now and think about how magical it all was, how brief.

Here is this little love, so trusting and alive and open and with me all the time. And we are so in tune with one another, it’s stressful and beautiful at the same time. Just me, my simple presence, can make everything better for him.

I know it will not always be like this, and that kills me.

And I can’t wait.

Go fast, slow down. Grow up, stay little.

May you stay forever young.

Welcome to the second installment of a series on easy sauces by my friend Emma of  Your Fonder Heart. Emma is a doula who knows just about everything there is to know about birth, babies, and feeding the whole family a yummy whole foods diet. She’s going to share her five main sauces with us here, so that we can fancy-up our meals without spending a ton of time in the kitchen!

And in case you missed it: Emma’s Sauces #1: Balsamic Reduction 

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