Starting Over

Oh you guys, I don’t know where to start with this post. I’ve written it a million times in my head, usually right before I fall asleep at night. It’s going to be a declaration of everything I have learned and am learning and changes that have been happening over the past few months and and and…

But that seems like an awful lot of pressure– and now that I’m sitting here, I see that nothing can really be summarized, or tied up in a big bow, because I’m still in the thick of it.

The funny thing is, I just looked at my stats and I think a lot of people found me in January. I guess it makes sense that that’s when folks are looking for vegan websites! But it’s a strange experience to watch my stats double and triple while I’m not writing anything at all.

So what’s going on?

I am going to be a mama again, in August.

I say that as if it’s the most normal thing in the world–our boy turned two back in November, so it’s time for him to have a little brother or sister, right? That’s pretty average timing.

But the truth is I am terrified. Of how our lives will change, just when we have reached this great state of equilibrium with our first baby! Of how much work it will be. Of how long it will be before I have stretches of time to myself again.

I saw a woman this morning at the coffee shop, she was wearing a newborn in an ergo and she had that look–that haunted, hollowed-out look. And I don’t really want to go back there. So I find myself re-evaluating everything from our parenting style to the way we eat.

Especially since I have been pretty much constantly nauseated or throwing up for the past six weeks or so. TV has become a reliable parenting partner. Home-cooked whole food just isn’t happening. (I hope I’m rounding a corner now, but I don’t want to jinx it.)

For weeks I couldn’t even stand in the kitchen or walk through a grocery store without retching at the smells. Water made me throw up. Smothies made me gag. All I wanted was bread and eggs and apple slices. Or pizza. With cheese.

And since I’m the only cook in the family, we’ve been doing takeout and co-op food. And it is what it is.

While I know this feeling is temporary and I know it’s for a good reason, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself asking questions–

What is really important to us as a family?

Why am I vegan?

How can I take care of myself so I can be there for my kids?

What does comfort feel like to me?

What does health feel like to me?

I have zero answers. I’m not even sure if those are the right questions. All I know is I’m trying to start work again, feed my family, nourish myself and a baby growing inside me, and still find the time and enthusiasm to teach my two-year-old to roll downhill.

I’ll try to write more about it as I go along.

Oh! And while I’m here I have a few links and updates for you:

I just discovered Lovesmiths, and I think I’m going to be taking cooking lessons along with her 13-year-old boy! There are some great recipes and explanations there.

Emma is still my girl and this post about our kiddos made me cry. Well, everything makes me cry these days, but still. (Psst–two is a good age, mamas. Hang in there.)

Have you ever heard of seed cycling? I am mad fascinated by this idea. (Originally found through Bonzai Aphrodite’s amazing healing story.) I can’t find anything about how it applies in pregnancy but I am going to give it a go afterwards, and if you’re not pregnant I would love to hear about it if you try it!

Also, if you have emailed me in the past few months, I am very sorry if I didn’t get back to you.

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