You know what I really thought would happen? I really thought I would be one of those parents who said, “oh, we had problems with breastfeeding in the first few months, but it all worked out!”
I was so prepared. I read books. I researched online. I went to a three-hour class. Breastfeeding was the number one thing I wanted to do for my child. I knew it could be difficult but I thought with the right help and enough patience it would work.
And then my baby came twelve days early (I haven’t even finished his birth story!) My luminous boy with a tied tongue. Or, depending on who you talk to, a forked tongue. A heart-shaped tongue.
It’s hard to understand how complicated something can be when you have never experienced it hands-on before. It’s all well and good if everything goes right. But if you have never breastfed before and a nurse asks you “is he latching?”…the answer is “uh, I guess so…” *
The nurses at the hospital gave advice on how to position but no one looked at how he was latching, or inside of his mouth.
Same with the hospital “lactation consultant”. She just seemed to want to get me to pump. At the time I didn’t understand why I would want to do that if I wasn’t planning on leaving my baby, wasn’t I going to make everything he needed? She said it was to keep up my supply and that seemed to me to be overkill, he was just born! Aren’t we supposed to give this a few days?
This was a baby-friendly hospital. My birth was free of trauma and interventions. My baby was caught by his father and placed on my chest right after birth. We were not disturbed in any way for hours afterwards. The minimal tests and treatments he had were performed much later, in my arms.
We spent two nights in the hospital. He was examined by two pediatricians, neither of which looked in his mouth.
My midwife recommended a lactation consultant, who came to the house within an hour of our return from the hospital. I answered the door topless, with a blanket wrapped around me and hospital bracelets still on my wrist.
The (yes, IBCLC, I did my research remember?) lactation consultant examined us and gave me a breast shield.
All of a sudden my baby was on! sucking! swallowing! Breastfeeding was happening, baby. I was so excited that we had such a quick fix, and I treasured that little piece of slicone. Or as my husband put it, that thing is the only way we can feed our baby, don’t lose it.
At 7 pounds, 2 ounces** there wasn’t a lot of wiggle room to experiment with feeding in those early days.
Four days after he was born, after almost continuous “breastfeeding” Zane was down to 6 pounds, 4 ounces. Our pediatrician yelled at us.
Within the next week he started to gain but nowhere near where he needed to be. (And yes, we were looking at the WHO charts, not the CDC. I was prepared remember?)
He would not even be close to his birth weight by two weeks of age. We saw the lactation consultant again. This time she diagnosed the tongue tie and recommended we see Seattle’s only “Breastfeeding Medicine” MD.
We had to wait ten days for an appointment. In the meantime the LC recommended I pump and use a supplemental nursing system to feed our baby. As she put it, you’re making enough milk, you just have to get it into him. My husband had to run all over town getting the supplies and renting a hospital-grade pump. I cried.
It all seemed so difficult, I was barely getting into the swing of caring for our two-week-old baby, how on earth could I do all of this extra work for ten whole days? (I’m glad I didn’t know this was just the beginning.)
We ended up getting in to see her a few days early, rushing to her office after a cancellation opened up a spot for us. There was never a more thoughtful, knowledgeable, breastfeeding-friendly doctor in the world. She spent almost two hours observing us, and how we were feeding, adjusting positions, teaching me. Then she made a cut in my baby’s frenulum to open up his tongue movement.
A few weeks later we came back for a follow up, and a second cut was needed. At this point she looked at or baby’s weight and strongly urged us to supplement with formula in the SNS in addition to the pumped breastmilk he was getting.
I cried over giving my baby formula, but I had no choice. He was at the -3% of weight and not back up to his birth weight at almost a month old.
After that we came back a third time and then she was beyond extremely worried about his weight. She urged us to up the formula. And while she thought Zane needed another cut she didn’t want to do it when his weight was so low.
I had to go across the street to buy formula so that she could demonstrate a different type of SNS to me, and the cashier made a joke about the price of formula. I felt so angry at the whole freaking universe. I never wanted to know the price of formula! I hated that I was feeding this to my baby! It was not what I wanted for him, at all.
One week later we went to Children’s Hospital to visit the “infant feeding expert” occupational therapist. Again, an extremely breastfeeding-friendly practitioner, again recommending formula. She explained that the shape of our baby’s mouth was severely compressed and she had never seen an infant with such difficulty latching. She couldn’t even get him to take a bottle. (So no, “just give him a bottle!” wasn’t even an option for us at this point. I might have given up on breastfeeding if it had been.)
Around this time, we had several appointments with an osteopath who opened up “compressions” in the back of Zane’s neck.
Eventually, we saw a little bit of weight gain. He was at 8 pounds, 7 ounces and two months old when we went back to the Breastfeeding Medicine doctor and she performed a third frenotomy.
She was hopeful, until our follow-up visit a few days later when she charted his weight and sad he was at failure to thrive and that we were looking at a baby who was “content to starve.” Meaning he looked happy and liked being at the breast but he was starving.
At that point we upped the formula to 24 ounces a day through the supplemental feeder (from about 10 ounces). He did start to gain the appropriate amount of weight as soon as we upped the formula in the SNS. Which was good because that meant there was no underlying metabolic issue, but heartbreaking to realize we had been starving our baby for weeks. He simply hadn’t been able to get enough food.
That was five weeks ago, and we’re still doing the same amount. So currently every feeding (7-10 per day, down from 12) involves a nipple shield and a slippery tube that I have to get into my baby’s mouth. Not to mention: bottles to mix up formula, washing the SNS and all of the parts.
On top of that, I try to pump as much as I can since I would rather give my baby breastmilk and I want to protect my supply, but honestly? Pumping often doesn’t happen, the rest is just so, so much.
Three weeks ago, the last time we went back to Children’s Hospital, the OT was so happy with his progress. He was up to the tenth percentile in weight (90th percentile in height) and the entire shape of his head had changed thanks to the frenotomy and the work of the osteopath.
During that appointment, she was even able to coach my husband on how to give Zane a bottle, and it actually worked! For the first time.
But by then my milk supply had dwindled.
My midwife prescribed domperidone which I had to order from Canada. I have been taking that about three weeks now. (And yes, there is also oatmeal and fenugreek and even beer. Prepared I was! Research I did!)
Even with his excellent progress, we still have almost zero wiggle room when it comes to his weight gain. Today Zane weighs 12 pounds, 8 ounces. That is okay for today, but he needs to gain 1-1.5 ounces by tomorrow, while he is catching up to his “genetic potential.”
Why am I writing all of this out? It’s certainly not an interesting blog post. Believe it or not, I’m editing some of the details out of the story to make the narrative flow better. There were actually more ups and downs than I wrote here but I can’t bear to write out even more detail. I’m so tired of it all.
I’m tired of counting ounces and feeling like I am force feeding my baby. I am tired of having to wrestle with him in order to get everything in his mouth to feed. I’m tired of feeling like I am missing out on his babyhood with all of this worry (And yes, even I hate myself a little bit for writing that–I know he’s healthy and perfect and I am so so grateful for that you don’t even know.) I’m more than tired, I’m heartbroken every time my baby cries in hunger and I have to disobey my every instinct and leave him to go mix formula.
So wait–I was asking myself why I am writing this? I just realized why. Today, after almost two months of feeding my baby through a tube attached to my breast, in the hopes that someday we would be able to transition to breastfeeding…today, I hit a wall. It all seemed so ridiculous and hopeless to me. All I wanted was to be able to feed my baby in the most intimate natural way possible.
No one was more determined to breastfeed than me. I would keep doing this every day for many more months if I knew it would work. But I don’t. There is no clear path. There is just struggle and hard.
Tomorrow we have another appointment at Children’s. And I’m writing this out today for myself, to show that I did everything I could. That I went to ridiculous lengths.
Because tomorrow instead of being the staunch martyr, “I’ll do anything to breastfeed“-mama, I am just going to ask one thing—how can we make this easier?
If that means getting better at bottle feeding formula then so be it. I give up.
I think I needed to write all of this out to be okay with that.
——
*For anyone who’s curious: just like an orgasm–if you have to wonder, it hasn’t happened.
**Really, America? Base-16?! Are you fucking kidding me? I need a mathematical equation to check growth charts to see if my baby is on track? That’s just what I need during this stressful time, math.
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{ 16 comments }
I am sorry you had to go through such a harrowing experience. This is so much like my own story almost 21 years ago.
I too had difficulty nursing my son, him not wanting to latch on, almost preferring the bottle over my breast. So many of the emotions you wrote about I too experienced.
And when my son was 3 months, I gave up on breast feeding. He thrived on the bottle. Gained weight, turned into a toddler and has grown into a pretty hunky guy. (turns 21 in May)
The feelings of failure are understandable, but you’re not a failure. There are challenges you’ve faced, with your son’s tongue, that are not the norm, but he is thriving and that is the most important part.
It’ll get better, and you’ll feel much better about it all as you all grow as a family. A little more sleep will help too.
Oh Eva. I can so feel your despair reading this. I think it’s less about whether it is an interesting post than it is about it being a post that needed to be written…
For you to process what you went through, are going through, and to be heard – externally and within yourself.
For mothers, for people, to read what you went through and add a little extra depth to the truth that this motherhood experience VARIES. I SO get why you want to explain and prove that you really really really did try so so so so hard to breastfeed (to anythingfeed!!!!!) your baby – because you totally did try! And also because every choice we make as mothers feels so weighty, like everything is hanging on it, like who we are in essence as human beings is weighing on….and in one sense it kind of is, yet in another, it totally ISN’T.
Some things are just out of our control. I have found that nowhere but in motherhood does this so vividly show itself to be true.
This pressure we mothers put on ourselves to do what we judge as being the best is hard to withstand sometimes, no? From a mother with 10 years under her belt, I just want to offer you comfort that it is ok to end up “doing what will make things easier”. You were completely fresh and new to this and you handled it as best you could. Breastfeeding is what I consider a normal source of nutrition for babies. I too started off with ideals about it but over time dropped the weightiness and just let it be what it is…a normal source of nutrition for babies. It’s desirable, yes. And in an exceptional case, with significant complication, desirable goes out the window, and it becomes, because it MUST, about what is ACHEIVABLE, to acheive the real goal of breastfeeding which is to help our babies grow as best THEY can. No mother wants to feel like they haven’t given their child enough of what they need, but you simply didnt know HOW..the professionals helping you were doing THEIR best and its just been taking a while to figure it out but what matters is that you stuck with the real mission which was simply to give your baby what he needs. I really feel for you that you haven’t yet managed to (and maybe wont get to) connect, simply and easefully, with your baby through breastfeeding – because you want to so badly. I’m sorry that you lost this and so you should write a whole post, hell, write a whole book about it (!), about this loss. This loss of what you hoped and dreamed and planned for, it is real and so you should give it attention and space and share it with your readers.
Reading your post was very interesting to me, and thank you so much for sharing your story, because the more variations to the birth story, the breastfeeding story, the parenting story that we hear, the better off WE ALL ARE as it gives us so much more to work with in learning to be gentle with ourselves and each other.
You show such determination and tenacity and dedication and self awareness in this story, a heart-breaking story, and I really admire you for telling it and showing the side of motherhood that is really quite difficult, often private and at times debilitating – the high standards we hold ourselves to. If I met you in person, I wouldn’t even blink if I saw you bottle feeding your baby and I wouldn’t think to wonder why you are not breastfeeding, it is your right to decide and nobody’s business what the reasons behind it. However my experience of others is so much richer for having read your story and learnt one more of the reasons why a mother’s actions may differ as well as the depth of feeling lying underneath the surface of those actions..
Sending only good wishes that things do become easier for you and that you only grow in your ability to be gentle with yourself as a mother.
Sarah x
So much love to you. You and your sweet baby have been through so much, and your story brings tears to my eyes. My heart aches at your struggles- no mom or baby should have to go through the hell you’ve both seen. To think you’d feel at all guilty about it, or feel the need to explain to anyone- I can’t fathom.
If I could, and you wanted, I’d donate milk to you in a heartbeat. If formula is what your little one needs, know that you’re doing the best for you both, and that you’re both loved and supported.
It’s NOT supposed to be that hard, and you have truly gone far above what anyone could be expected to do. Your son is so fortunate to call you mama.
Wow you’ve been through a lot. Remember that every little bit he did get was beneficial. I think you’ve done marvelously to last this long, congratulations. I wish you the best for the future, be it with breastfeeding, SNS, or formula.
P.S. I was in a baby friendly hospital (other side of the world though) and got the same “Is he latched” questions… um, I dunno!? I’ve never done this before!
You have worked so hard. You did everything you could, and you did go to ridiculous lengths. I wish every mama who was so dedicated & wanted it so badly could catch a break & get their happy breastfeeding ending. It can be so hard to let go of ideals. So damn hard. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you peace.
Oh honey!
I wish I was there to hug you both!
I’m loving you both so much and holding you in my heart during this hard and stressful time.
I know that you are a smart, prepared and loving mom and that every decision you make is the Best one (frustratingly, there is no Right!).
All my love!
I can so relate with most of your experience. All I prayed for while I was pregnant with our first child (besides her being healthy) was that I could breastfeed. Right her birth, the latch on was horrid, it hurt like hell and both lactation consultants that came to see us were terrible. The first one was so “Earth Mother” about it she didn’t bother to see if the latch was right and the second was so medical she immediately put me on a breast pump and threatened to tell the doctor not to let us leave.
I had read the books, talked to breast feeders and a couple months after her birth was barely getting anything, using the pumps were horrible and I felt like a disasterous failure. Come to find out, my milk was barely there to begin with and my baby wasn’t getting much of anything.
I finally had to give up and more importantly, let go of the bitterness in my heart. I started with the formula and tried to never give it a second thought. Time to move on I guess. But it sucked (no pun intended, lol).
Now I’m pregnant with our second child and I almost think not being able to breast feed the first time might have been a good thing. At least this time if it doesn’t work again, I won’t be so heartbroken or let it go on for so long.
Anyhoo, sorry for writing a novel. lol This just really spoke to me. You’re sound like an awesome mom! Best of luck to you and congrats on your new baby!
Oh sweeting that is SOOOOO hard. And you have tried more than hard enough. Feeding your baby needs to help you nurture your relationship with him and if a bottle makes it easier to do that, then a bottle is what it will be. You have clean water. You can afford formula. It is not at all inadequate.
Such an extraordinary story. You have tried so hard for so long! So much love! Nobody could care more or do more than you have. You and your sweet baby have been bonding closely throughout all of this — to be held in a mother’s arms, to feel her heart, and to know her touch, her scent and you his — you will keep right on bonding with whatever feeding method you use. It will be all right. xo
Eileen, you are a superstar in my book. I am so so moved by your story and appreciate so much that you took the time to write it… yes for you, but also for me, and for all of us reading it… a huge reminder that I never know someone else’s path, experience… who am I to judge anything, really.
What a lucky lucky baby Zane to have you. All I hear is love.
I send you buckets of whatever you most need tonight. And silk hankies for the tears. And a shot of your favorite magic. And sweet kisses for you and baby Zane and hubby too, if he wants ‘em– teehee.
xo
Heidi
I send you love and peace and reassurance from the future – my “little guy” only got to breastfeed for one month because we had problems, and he’s now a happy, healthy, strapping teenager.
*big love* to you and Zane. I know how much this hurts. I’m so sorry.
I haven’t met you yet in the mommy group, but I just wanted to write to you after reading this. How heartbreaking. I’m a little teary just reading and it and imagining you experiencing it and writing it out. I hear how committed you were to breastfeeding and how much it hurts to realize it’s not just going to flow along like you imagined it surely would. Peace to you!~peace with your decision and in witnessing your baby’s growing body and spirit.
I’m reading this, crying. What a heartbreaking tale. But I am in awe. I had a teeny, tiny fraction of the trouble you’ve had with nursing (I’m in that category of mothers you described: “we had a hard time early on, but it all worked out”). The first two months were a struggle with latching on and my milk supply suffered as a result. There was a moment when I thought I was going to have to give it up, and it was devastating. But it was just a moment – nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. Again, I am in awe at your determination and perseverance and stamina and strength to struggle through it for as long as you did and to make such difficult decisions. That Zane is one lucky baby to have you for a mama. Best of luck to your family in this next chapter.
Eileen,
You are a true inspiration, a wonderful mama, and a dear friend. I teared up reading this because I know you’ve had such a hard time. No one will EVER say you didn’t do all that you could or that you gave up. On the contrary, you are the biggest champion of breastfeeding I know. Zane is a lucky boy with a lovely and strong mother. Your perseverance will be rewarded, I know it! Xxxxxxxooooo
It sounds like you have been through the ringer. I’m so sorry for that.
My first child was born at 34 weeks, and we had struggles of our own. I know first-hand how hard that can be. Having a newborn is hard enough, and every additional struggle just makes it that much harder.
Here is what I know for sure. It sounds like you are doing the very best you can for Zane, and that you have excellent medical care. So he will be OK.
I hope that you are finding what you need so that you are OK, too. Only one of the two of you will remember this and carry it around with you forever. So go easy on yourself, and don’t feel that you owe anyone any explanations, whatever happens.
Sweet, dear friend. Thank you for bearing your soul so openly. Your love for you sweet baby explodes out of the page. Your courage makes me weep and I send you, your baby and husband buckets full of love.
xoxo
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